I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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