And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
