my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
