you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
handjob tips. give me some.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
