There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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