Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
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