Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
did i walk over a car last night?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
