Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
