nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
