I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
