my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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