dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I checked into jail on foursquare
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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