I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
