Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
