you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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