So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i think i have herpe
just one?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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