my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
