wanna go halves on a baby?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
