gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
