i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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