I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
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She bit a glass in half.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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