Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
