Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
