All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
