If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
