She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Too much gin, very little bucket
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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