Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
