shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
