Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
