When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
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What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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