Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
