Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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