Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
