If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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