I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
