I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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