I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize
