You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
