I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
