Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
