Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
