Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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