My nipple is on Facebook.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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