yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
