its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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