the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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