I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
