i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
