We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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