You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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