as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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