she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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