I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
