remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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