Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
