Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
