i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
