Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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