I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize