Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
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