His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
