then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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